Where I have been?

I haven't blogged for some time. So, what's new ? A few people have sent me mails, possibly more to ascertain whether I am alive and kickin' more than to complain they miss my blog. I understand!!

Well dearies, life is full and brim, no reason to complain and busy enough to keep me away from this blog. "But where have you been", you ask? And the answer is "Recruiting".

I wonder, "where have all the good men (and women) gone?" The quality of people in the software industry has deteriorated so badly. I have practically been working or traveling for hiring every weekend for the last 2 months. We had 2 walk-ins (mass melas) at our office in Bangalore. I traveled to Trichy, Chennai and Hyderabad for interviewing. Met over 275 candidates. Made offers to 34 of them. Only 22 of them joined.

All the positions are still not closed and the pressure to do so is tremendous. Our Rec Manager collapsed under the pressure and resigned. It was GG to the rescue again!! The big boss magnanimously handed over that responsibility too to me.

We have also been busy with planning for the next financial year: Budgeting, Training Plans, Recruitment Plans, KRAs etc etc. Didn't somebody say about planning--something like -- "Plans are not important, planning is"? Well, we have a review of the plans with the Pointy-Haired boss tonight; let's see how that goes.

On a separate note, I am totally broke, as my entire salary has been coughed up by the great Tax department!! and that was not enough for the Government. They are now planning to take away the little respite we had in the form of reimbursements also from next financial year!! If someone out there is feeling generous, please contribute the "Survival Sona" Fund.

My "pitara" of memorabilia

Some collect vintage cars. Some collect baseball caps. As for me, I collect memories.

There I’ve said it. I’m an unabashed sentimentalist. A nostalgia junkie, holding on to forgotten little fragments of time as though they were the Crown Jewels. ‘Get rid of this junk’, my folks have frostily told me over the years, even as I get moony-eyed every time I see:

• EVERY single birthday card I've received from the time I was 6
• A bunny rabbit cross-stiched in the Extra-Curricular Class in IX
• The Yellow color "Trishul" house batch from school
• Scrap book from school
• The chipped part of my front tooth from my face-first encounter with a stone bench.

Garden-variety stuff, it may seem. But that's just the top level of the multi-tiered Pandora's box. Burrow a little deeper and here's what you might find.

• A thick file containing all the poems and articles I have written dating back to 1992.
• A stamp collection, which I was crazy about in the 1980s and which hasn't been sorted yet.
• 8 kilos (approx) of "interesting" news articles, well-written columns, trivia, travel articles etc.,
• Leftover paints (still usable) from a college festival in 1993
• Medals and certificates from my sporting days in school and college
• Tons of photographs of me with my buddies and family right from my toddler days

And finally the whopper:

• 421 books ranging from Brothers Grimm to J. K. Rowling, Hemingway to Rushdie. The entire collection of Calvin & Hobbes and Asterix and Obelix (I can see some envious faces). Plus (pause for breath here) over 256 MAD comics!
• There was also a short-lived collection of clamshells. The shells had beautiful, intricate patterns. But the fetid stench got in the way of misty-eyed moments.

I've tried on occasion to walk the Buddhist path of detachment. Imagined myself throwing it all away. But knowing me, it would only be an invitation to start all over.

So now I've rationalized that my "accumulations" might just be THE legacy to hand down to the progeny. In the off chance that I become famous, imagine the killing they could make at the auctions.

"One paper cap from sports day in Primary School… going once… going twice…’'

It's All Right to Cry

Today was one of those days when I just lost it. I know that everything and anything that I'm dealing with is temporary, that none of it is earth-shattering or particularly bad, that I'll make it through, that I have the most supportive friends and family that anyone could ask for, the most loving sweetheart but sometimes, it all feels like too much all at once. Like I said, today was one of those days.

As Carol Hall said, Its all right to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you. Its all right to cry. It makes you feel better. I too discovered additional side but beneficial effects of crying:
* It cleaned my eyes
* It washed away all the unnecessary feelings
* It dissolved all my fears
* It steered my emotions in the right direction
* It distilled all my thoughts

Hmmm and left me feeling as good as new. Well almost! *Sigh*

The Ups and Downs of a Week

Last week has been strange, to say the least. There were the highs, like the amazing dinner we had at Paradise Island (a very generous treat from Rohit); catching up with my friend, MA at Cosmo Village (she was also sweet enough to bring along a belated xmas present. I felt like a cad, so I ended up treating her).

Then there were the lows -- my Bua (dad's sister) passed away last Saturday. I was in Chennai on a recruitment drive when I got the news in an sms message on my phone. I stared at the message hard a few times. I didn't know what to do. I was emotionless.

Shashi Bua was 68. She was legendary stuff (truly). She was larger than life in her region. Large crowds and adulation were norm to her. She faced every fathomable obstacle. A brave woman, she brought up all (her 5) children and her grandchildren by herself when Fufaji died at the age of 31. She had even fought breast cancer at the age of 62. She died fairly quickly, peacefully, and without pain, and she had lived a happy life close to her friends and family. I called home. I spoke to my folks. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react. I was unable to emote a single teardrop.

She always treated me a little special. Used to address me as "Bitiya". I had spoken to her just five days earlier. "Take good care of yourself in the winter, eat well, drink milk everyday morning and evening, eat Badaam, fruits and green vegetables" was what she had told me, like she did every single time I spoke to her on the phone. And now suddenly she is gone. A blunt reminder of the impermanence of our material bodies. God bless her soul.

Have I changed much?

We all change over time; some mellow with age while others just get increasingly angst-ridden. But delving into a personality change is psychotic stuff and I will restrict myself to simple things you thought were important to your belief system once.

Admittedly all change is good and if we refuse the gradual changes in our perspective, we let ourselves fall into a rot. I want to simply list the few things that have changed for me:

Earlier I judged people harshly who drank alcohol in any form, often extrapolating their fondness for alcohol as perversity of character. Now I understand that, as long as you are not a hardened alcoholics and most importantly can handle their drinks, it is fine to have some in social situations. Heck, my college mates will not believe it if they find out that I sip an occassional mocktail now.

Earlier, I sincerely believed that you fall in love only once and should be involved in a relationship only if you wish to marry that person. A recent experience has taught me that things aren’t that straight forward. Sometimes one does not get the things you wish for; even for no fault of yours. That’s life! However, If the time spent together creates beautiful memory and you can live the rest of your life in the thoughts of the time spend together, I dont believe we should hold back.

Earlier, I passionately hated smokers; considered it to be a disgusting habit. Now I just hate smoking, not the sucker at the other end of the cigarette. I just prefer that they keep their smoke out of my face.

Earlier I considered people with lesser intellectual abilities to be lowly mortals. That only enhanced my arrogant snobbish image. Now, when I have seen enough humble beings with far superior intellect, I have realized that it is not how much you know but rather how you use it. Though intelligence still remains a major "turn on" for me, I don’t despise the ones who do not special talent or abilities.

Earlier I had a low opinion about homosexuals and considered their sexual orientation as despicable. Now I think "to each their own". Everyones got one life to live. Let them live it on their terms. If he likes a he, so be it.

Earlier I believed that you should have your life planned out down to the last detail. You should have a clear idea of what you want to do in life and everything should fall in place sequentially, leading to your ultimate goal. Now, I know that to make God laugh, just tell him those plans. Things happen albeit for a reason and at time you are put on hold for much longer than you anticipated. You can only give it your best shot and hope for things to fall in place. But I still believe that my destiny is in my hands.

Earlier I believed in the importance of education and thought that you can never stop learning either in school or from personal experiences. More time you spent in academics always helped you in the long run. Now….wait a sec, I still believe that.

Haven’t you changed?

Ode to this morning!

I am not a morning person but there was something peculiarly fresh about the gently chilly wintry morning today. It had rained out of the blue last night and the air was smelling absolutely fresh. The lazy looking sun mirrored my lethargy of getting up for the grind as it spreads its bright arms around.

I slept like a baby in my baby's arms and got up so loved. Hmmmm didn't want to get out of bed today. Mom and dad head back to Shimla today. And though (or maybe because) I didn't spend much time with them (feeling guilty now), I am going to miss them terribly.

I laid my head on ma's "godi" and told her that I will miss her. As Ma's soft touch caressed my forehead ever so lovingly, my discerning senses heard the voice of astir birds blend into the mellow devotional music playing in the neighborhood. And a hot cup of tea and a satisfying breakfast of hot puris and lal mirchi pickle sets the palate (and the day) moving. Time to head for work...

Hmmm.. The day doesn't seem so bad after all. A good morning indeed to all!

Of friends and complicated situations

VB and A broke up after four years of marriage. And even though I've always known that they were not right for each other and that they had made a mistake in tying the knot in the first place, the news still shocked me. I guess I am still the conservative kind.

To me marriage is an institution that two people build over the years. And to see it fall apart just shakes up the very foundation of my beliefs. But the fact remains we had known all along that VB and A had a very shaky relationship. They were two entirely different people who had very little in common. We've known VB for a very long time and he is one of the most sensitive and affectionate individuals I've known. He is funny and he can make anyone smile and he is always a joy to have around. When VB fell in love with A, we were all a little taken aback because A was very different from any of us. I do not know whether it was because she was from a different background and culture, or it was the way she was brought up, but she was dominating, materialistic and demanding. We never thought VB would end up marrying A but when he announced that he was getting married, none of us had the courage to dispel his cloud of happiness by telling him how wrong they were for each other.

Right after they got married A told VB that she did not like interacting with his friends and she was not happy when he chatted with them in Hindi because she was unable to follow the conversation. A was a Tam Bram. So VB stopped calling his friends. We hoped with time A would feel more secure in her marriage and things would change. But they got worse. They fought all the time. I guess it boils down to having two very different people who had very different expectations out of life, being thrown together in a relation that neither of them were prepared for. So after four years of bitterness and bickering and following the birth of their son, VB and A decided to call it quits.

I guess what has me most disturbed about the matter is that this could have been prevented if VB had realized before he got married that A was not the right girl for him. But he was blinded with passion at that time and nobody helped him see through the haze. Now, they have not only messed up their own lives, they have brought a little child into the world who will grow up not knowing a proper family. I think it is tragic.

Why is it that we find it so difficult to tell the people we care about that we want the very best for them and that they would be better off not getting involved with the wrong person? Probably because it is none of my business or anyone else's for that matter. Perhaps it is the fear of hurting the person and losing the friendship. May be it is the apprehension that the truth will not be acceptable to my friend and he will reject it and hate me for telling him such "untruths". What does one do under these circumstances? I wish I knew............

Sniffles strike back!!

I'm sick. (sniff sniff)
I've got the sniffles. (atchoooo!..wherez de disshu?)
Aches and pain in every bone and muscle in my body.
Blurry red eyes, runny red nose and a tongue that feels like I've eaten a bagful of sawdust.

Arggh!I HATE being sick. Oh lordy! I was down all weekend with a temperature and chills and aches. I took off yesterday because we were having a piece of furniture delivered. Fortunately, the delivery came early in the day so I was able to return to bed, where I had been the past three days.

This morning, I was feeling a little better and decided I could return to work. BIG MISTAKE. I feel lousy now and the damn chills and tiredness is back. I have been surviving on hot soup the whole day. And when I get back home, I'm going to soak myself in the hot tub. That should kill the darn cold!!

All the Vicks Action500 that I popped in is making me groggy and the evil "count dracula" of a boss is making life even more miserable. He tells me I am growing old and should take retirement. Grrr.. will show him.

On a happier note, my solider boy and me made up with kisses, hugs, cuddles and snuggles! Thanks to Abhi for being the messenger boy and RM, GR, AC, TK & SP for putting up with a very boorish GG yesterday.

*muaaah* Love you all!

Wise words from Calvin

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us, that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often, it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. -Calvin & Hobbes, Weirdos From Another Planet!

Today I felt like my emotions went on a roller-coaster ride. Tried so hard to rationalise things. Wasn't easy, but I managed. Calvin helped put a whole lot of things in perspective like live in the present since "life is beautiful" right now. Why think of the future and ruin the "now"?

Don't walk away!

I was in no mood to post today but forced myself.. for RMs sake! You see its my buddy's birthday and this is my tribute to him.

I know just what you're doing
You don't want to put the hurt on someone
You've been trying to convince yourself
You're better off if you just turn and run

But I'm gonna hold on tight
I've got a feeling
You'll only happen once to me
And no one not even you
Is ever gonna make you wrong for me

Don't walk away
Or are you looking for a price to pay
Is that your master plan
Don't walk away
I'll do everything to make you stay
I've got to make a stand
Don't walk away
I'm not afraid
Don't walk away

I don't know where you're going
But I know what you've got on your mind
And I think your fear is showing
You don't leave things like fear behind

And I hate to be the one
To break it to you that
We're only human after all
I can mend a broken wing
I'll give you everything I have
(words and music by Rick Springfield)

These words bring a poignant question to my mind. Are you a stronger person for walking away or for staying? Allow me to elaborate.

If you are in a relationship and its not working out, but you want it to work, are you stronger for walking away even though you don't want to, or for staying and trying to work it out?

RM and I were discussing this just today and concluded that it really depends on the person. If it is someone, like me, who is more likely to bolt because of a fear of future pain, then the strongest choice is to stay because it would take a lot more to get me to stay. If it were someone (like Ranjit!) who always tries to make it work no matter what, then it would be stronger for them to walk away, because it goes against their natural inclinations. Right?

I admire RM for his mettle and patience. We have had our share of nasty fights (RM has a mega bump on his head to prove it). I must have walked away from this relationship a million times (RM can be so exasperating!!!) in the last (6 +) years but he kept it going... RM reasoned with me (I agree that can be tough!) and convinced me every time to give it another shot. That investment (in time, energy and patience) paid off and we share a wonderful friendship today.

Thanks RM for your tenacity! Wish you a happy 28th birthday! yes i found out!! Advantage of being in HR.