Seistas in the office

My dearest friend, SP aka "Nuts" is in Bangalore for a Conference. I played hookie from work and spent the day doing nothing with her. Nuts and I go back a long way. We were batchmates in B School and we 'summered' together in CGI and we also ended up joining it at the end of our two years of 'bijness education'. Needless to say, whenever we catch up a big part of our conversations involve reminiscing about the happy days when she, A and I spent much late nights at work and were always amused by the most inane things. Of course, a lot of reminiscing happens around our individual and collective 'most embarrassing moments' at the workplace! Looking back, we did seem to have quite a few of those!

This particular incident dates back to early 2002. That was possibly the worst (work-wise) phase in my not-so-young life. To say that I was dying with work would be a gross understatement. If it can be said thus- I was dead and rotting with work. Those were the weeks when I slept only 12 hrs..not per day..but per week!! And life was a constant swirl of airports and hotels with me having travelled to eight different cities in a span of three weeks! The only constant companions were my cell and my discman! Life was chaotic to say the very very least and most unpleasant!

Finally the chaotic travel wound up and I was back to office straight from Hyderabad after being out for around 25 odd days! That morning was particularly bad because I had woken up at 3 am and had hardly had any sleep at all that night! By the time I got into office I was a wreck! Sleep deprived, with too much caffeine in my system and faced with a long day of work, I was not the happiest person on the planet! Even with open eyes I could see visions of beds and sheets and pillows and such like.

So, I got into office, got some work done in my near-zombie state till lunch time. Post-lunch I could barely keep my eyes open. Seeing my pathetic state the boss came up with this rather bright idea. "Why don't you go nap for an hour?" At particular moment, she seemed to have a shiny bright halo over her head!

I did not need much convincing and so I checked up if the Conference Room was booked at all and finding out that it wasn't, I headed straight to it to take a much-needed cat-nap! Looking around the room, the only sleep-worthy place I could find was under the large glass conference table! I must have been a cockroach or some such in my previous life to actually seek out a bizarre place like that! But hey, I was sleepy and my brain was not functioning at full capacity!

So, I got under the table, curled up and went straight to sleep...dreaming of a nice, moonlit beach and the soothing sound of the waves (all thanks to piped music playing in office)..when suddenly I heard someone calling out my name! Thinking it was a part of my dream, I asked that person to shut up and leave me alone! Some voices are rather persistent and they don't seem to be able to obey someone! This voice kept calling out my name.

Finally I opened my eyes and looked up........ straight into the eyes of SUPER BOSS and his SUPER BOSS and a couple of clients who had suddenly dropped in for a meeting!!! In one smooth motion I sat up.... and banged my head hard against the conference table. I don't know what hurt more- the bump that was rapidly forming on my head or the waves of mortification that were washing over me!

I began to wish I were dead..or that I could become invisible...or that this was just some nightmare that would soon go away! Alas, it was none of that! I scrambled out from under the table knowing that a huge talking-to awaited me once these clients left!

Red-faced and thoroughly embarrassed, I scrambled out from under the table apologising profusely. When I finally stopped and looked up at the entire bunch, I found all of them smiling beningly.

Super boss looked at me and said to the others, "She's been travelling like crazy, the poor kid!" That was all the bunch of very senior people needed to hear. They simultaneously launched into this whole when-we-were-young-we-also-went-through-the-grind and some five stories of sleeping off during critical meetings and such were shared, no doubt to make me feel a little less embarrassed about the whole incident! I smiled gratefully at all of them and dashed out only to be greeted by my boss and my entire team who were collapsing with laughter!

Of course, for a long time several jokes which involved terms like 'sleeping her way through' and 'under the table negotiations' etc etc were cracked at my expense! The worst one (ranked thus in terms of the severe embarrassment that it caused) was cracked by none other than the Super Boss of the Super Boss. We were having a team meeting and a rather boring colleague was droning on and on and on about some very mundane rubbish. It was post-lunch and I was feeling slightly zzz-y. I covered my mouth and yawned when I thought no one was looking. But SB of SB was! He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and said, "S, if you are sleepy, feel free to help yourself to the third floor conference room. Sandra assures me that it is not booked at all for today!

Losing it

I'm putting on weight. And Anu's wedding is to blame.

The most annoying thing about putting on weight is that everyone tells me 'Good, you need to...' which is utter rubbish. I am (or was, until a month ago... I can feel an extra couple of kilos these days) at a medically-acceptable 54 kilos.

I especially resent it when family members tell me to eat up. For me, this weight issue has long been a delicate balancing act. I've come very close to the brink of getting all psyched and disordered.

Correction (take deep breath, remember, you're anonymous...) I DID get disordered. I still cringe to think of it. But yes, I went through a phase of yoyo-ing between anorexia and bulimia. I see my cousin sis, M, walking the same path, starving herself to death. I want to scream out to her and tell her to stop this madness but somehow I do not have the courage to tell her what dieting did to me.

This dates back to my college days. I was eating so little then that it amazes me now. Back then, all the girls competed with each other. Who could eat the least? I took to the sports-field with a vengeance. Not team-sports - I couldn't stand the 'discipline'. At any rate - our goals would be different. I didn't care about scoring goals. I wanted inches off my frame. So I worked out.

Erratic eating started taking it's toll. I began waking up exhausted. I began feeling breathless. But by the time I graduated, I was... well, close to 'sexy'. That's what they called me. Perhaps not beautiful. Perhaps not skinny. But sexy. Flat-sexy. Small-sexy. Sexy... how much it mattered, back then!

I thought I was okay. But once I let up on the workouts, I found myself throwing up. And I found myself reaching for food in scary, unstoppable ways. A pattern began to set in.... I started blacking out. I frightened myself, back then. I wouldn't tell anyone. My own family didn't know (They still don't). But I needed to sort myself out.

One day I managed to finish a half-kilo of jalebis all by myself (I had bought it for the family but finished it alone.) That was when I knew I needed help. I went up to my mother and told her that I felt the compulsive need to eat. Anything in sight. She gave me a book on eating disorders and asked me to check for other corresponding symptoms. I told her, no... Just this need to eat. I told her I was fine. I lied.

Eventually, I went to the doctor. Low Immunity. Low hemoglobin. Megloblastic Anemia. I was put on the usual tonics, but I knew the problem wasn't minerals and vitamins. Besides, I had had enough. Enough of competing with the skinny girls. Enough psychosis.

I'm done with the skinny-ambitions now. But the fear remains. And so, I watch myself... all the time. I don't let myself stray from the medically-approved 52 kilos. No less, no more. And I resent it when people push me into eating more. If only they knew what hell one goes through to lose it...