The past

Sometimes, the past haunts you and haunts you forever.
Sometimes, the past haunts you till it becomes fear.
Sometimes, it haunts you when you are watching something beautiful.
Sometimes, it haunts you when you are lonely and most vulnerable.
Sometimes, it haunts you in one of your sweetest dreams.

Am I letting my past dominate me ?
Am I letting it scare me ?

Sometimes, I feel like cutting those hands that did this to me.
Sometimes, I feel like killing him with one gun shot through his head.
Sometimes, I feel like cutting his throat and let him bleed and put some leeches on him.

Sometimes, I feel like cutting my own wrist and bleeding till death.

The Odyssey

When you make a trip alone anywhere, it’s amazing how many details you observe and how many stories you have to tell. Partly because there is no one to refute it. Well, you also have all the time to look around and imbibe in the surroundings and meet new interesting people. When you are traveling as a couple, no one really tries to strike a conversation and nor are you forced to.

I was traveling Kingfisher airlines from Vadodara to Bangalore with a stopover at Mumbai. I prayed that I wouldn’t get stuck with hassled moms with wailing babies or with open-mouthed snoring characters that needed constant supply of mints. Usually God grants me only these two varieties.

My prayers bore fruit when I saw John Abraham walk towards me. Not the real one.. a dupe! Next you might think I am only allowed to bad luck and that he walked away. Nothing like that happened. He smiled at me and said, ‘Such a shitty aircraft’ and adjusted his seat-belt and smiled again. I flashed my pearly yellows. “Hi!” He moved closer to me and cooed,” Man, these Indians are so stinky. And what a pigeonhole. I am so claustrophobic here. Yeeks!”

I lost Mr. If-I-had-my-Private-Jet. If not for his looks, he might not have even got my smile. So there! I smelt myself and finding nothing wrong, focused on my other side. The old man was looking very lost and coughing vehemently. An 18-year-old on one side and an 80 on the other. Ok that does it! I am demanding for a seat next to wailing babies!

Next, the skimpy airhostess with an even skimpier brain forgot to give me a croissant! I had left home at 5:00 am to board the plane and I was ravenous by now. I reminded the airhostess twice and she flashed a dumb smile, yes mam and then amnesia. The old man said he didn’t want the croissant and gave his share to me. I smiled at him. He looked handsome when he crinkled his nose and smiled.

He told me he was going to Mumbai to attend the first birthday of his grandson. He was originally from Assam, ran away from home at age 18, worked his way up and now ran a successful restaurant in Bangalore. Invited me to his place to sample his famous kabaabs. From then on, there was nothing stopping him. He spoke about Politics, religion, economics, politics, cricket, history and policitcs (he forgot he had covered it twice before). I yawned once, twice, multiple times in succession till I could take it no more. So I slept mid-sentence, when he was talking of politics. I stirred after an hour and he continued from where he left off, ‘Good Morning. Like I was saying…our country is going to the dogs because of these politicians…’

I’m sure I made a record for number of nods by a single person. Anyways, the old man was really sweet and while disembarking at Mumbai, he shook my hands and wished me the best, ‘I appreciate your thoughts on these subjects and you are very knowledgeable. Nobody has spoken to me for so long. Thank you. I am sure your mom will get better’.

The next leg of the journey, I had the best company- a 7-year-old kid, Maya. Same wavelength! She drew some pictures of me that I still have. We made fun of the airhostesses and played a lot of games. I won most of the times. Maya’s parting dialogue was,’ I wish you were my sister’. I told her that her mom was too young to have a daughter like me. For that she loudly proclaimed,’My mom is very old. She is 33!’ much to her mom’s embarrassment. I wish I have a daughter like her.

Politicising the army

I have been reading a lot about the muslim census in the Indian Army. I am usually not the one to react to the politics going around in our country but this is plain ridiculous. I am horrified to learn that the UPA govt has set up Sachar Committee in order to compile statistics on the number of muslims serving in the Army. This decision was made on the basis of a book by an American citizen, Omar Khalidi in his book "Khaki and Ethnic Violence in India".

Khalidi is an independent scholar and a staff member of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A simple search in MIT website will tell you that Mr Khalidi is Collections/Reference Librarian for Aga Khan Program for Islamic Architecture. Now his domain is totally different and he is talking on some thing else. Its like Mao talking on democracy!! Just because his brother could not make it to IAF, he is out there accusing everyone. Its a known fact that IAF is a tough place to get in. Anyhow, in his book he makes a point that communal riots in Indian history have been a result of ethnic composition of the armed forces. He specifically blames the under representation of muslims in the army as the main reason for ethnic violence. Col. Athale makes a strong argument against this here. Bharat Rakshak has a good review of Omar's book here.

Having grown up in an army background, I have strong opinions on this issue and I couldn’t help myself from writing something about this. I see this as yet another tactic of the government for minority appeasement (in this case Muslim appeasement) and vote bank polictics. What upsets me the most is the fact that this time the Netas have pulled the Indian Army in this political muddle. Having seen army closely, I can vouch for the fact that no discrimination takes place among the army men. Every army headquarter has a temple, gurudwara, church and masjid. All the festivals are celebrated with equal enthusiasm by the families of army men.

Patriotism does not come from religion. Its the pride of belonging to India that makes each of our armymen ready to lay their lives for the country. To demonstrate my point I would like to share a personal experience. When I was in secondary school we were taught about the origin of caste system. I was not aware of my caste then, so I asked my dad, a staunch OG (Olive Green), about it. He replied and I quote “Since we fight for our nation, we are the warrior class”. I will remember those words throughout my lifetime.

Soldiering is a special trait, which is no cast, creed and religion specific. Every country wants their army to be the best choosen on their capability but not on any other basis. War is a serious matter fought with sweat and blood requiring supreme sacrifices. Army is not some PSU employment agency as some Netaji’s in India think. You cannot make a quota and just fill in the posts with anyone who applies for the job.

Reluctance of the Army to carry out the head count on religious grounds, more than other Services is understandable. Unlike Air force and Navy, Army is a manpower-oriented organisation where collective courage, cohesiveness in thought and deed, brotherhood and morale is very important. To nurture this, Indian Army has fantastic heritage that almost makes it invincible. It is not uncommon in the battalions to find fourth generation soldiers serving with knowledge that their fathers and grand fathers have also fought in the same regiments and earned glory. A soldier fights and dies for the Izzat of his Battalion first and then the country. Indian Army has done the wisest thing by retaining this heritage. It is because of these foundations that the Indian Army is the most uncorrupt and respected of all the organizations that we have in our country. Even during the riots, people trust the army uniform regardless of the religious beliefs of the person wearing it.

Let’s not spoil the only non-corrupt ‘national organization’ that we have by mixing the poison of politics with it. It’s my sincere request.

I love you the most

Mom has an amazing family, 2 brothers and 4 sisters!! She is the eldest and her siblings just adore her. My favorite Mausi K and my nephew SS, arrived this morning to lend their support to Ma. SS is totally adorable and as his giggles and laughter filled the house, Ma seems to be pepping up already.

My little nephew is four years old, and he is a doll. SS and I play this game with each other. We try to outdo each other saying 'I love you the most.' We have been playing it since he was two. We got very inventive with the game, hanging up the phone with the last one who said 'I love you the most' being the winner for the day. It was never insulting to get hung up on. It was fun. It was familiar. It was comforting.

As he grew up, we played other games like The claw which would come out of S Mausi's hand and eat the baby's belly. And that bad old claw would tickle and tickle until he begged it to stop.

SS is a darling but he can be a devil too. Didi, my cousin sister, is one of those women that likes her house to look like you could host a big dinner party in her home at a moments notice. Everything must be neat and cleaned and in its place. You know the obsessive compulsive Monica types (from friends)!! The last time I visited her in Hyderabad, she had some really nice carpets laid out. Didi is a fab cook and had dished up great Italian food. Nephew was in the "appu" stage (apne aap) meaning he wanted to do everything himself. So, some Spaghetti was put in a bowl and handed to him to eat appu. After a while, he didn't want to eat anymore. Guess where he threw the spaghetti? I had to close my ears because didi's screaming was so loud.

Finally everything seemed to be calmed down and area was mopped up and cleaned. However, later on in the evening a new dilemma developed. S pooped his pants, but before didi realized what he had done he had managed to spread it all over the house by reaching into his diaper with his hand. A couple more shots to the carpet, and some more to various other areas ;-)

S and I went on a Movie date today. Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was a magical film that captured my heart. I also have to say that the company was great as well. We ate popcorn, cheered loudly when Lion Aslan was shown for the first time on screen and cried (rather sobbed shamelessly) when Aslan dies. My little nephew is the best movie date ever. I cherish these times with him because I know one day all too soon he will be grown and a real girl will be getting all his attention.

Then on to the toy store. I gave S a budget in the car before we went in and told him he could only get what that could buy. He was definitely okay with that. Then when we got in the store we looked at a couple isles and came across an Imaginext set. Its buildable toys that can be taken apart and rebuilt differently and so on. This one was a pirate ship and it was cool. Busted my budget and out we went with the pirate ship.

Needless to say when we got home we were beat, but we managed to stay awake long enough to play another couple hours. It is so cool to be the S Mausi. Hey Sangram! I love you the most!

Squeal, Sob, Sniff, Shriek

A, my little bro, left for Pune today. Because his flight was at five-thirty in the morning, I was only half awake when he left. Dad and Ma went to the airport to see him off and I only made it as far as the gate. Standing there, watching them getting into the car and leave, seeing him sketch a half-wave at me from inside the car, I realized that I didn't want him to leave. I suddenly noticed that my eyes were moist.

I hadn't even realized, throughout these past days, that I'd gotten used to having him around, settling back into that old, comfortable rhythm again, being a proper family of four. We are five, sorry six now! BP and Goofy are additions to the family.

My brother is the person with the most vitality in my family. He's gregarious and probably has more friends at any given time than I've ever had in my life. And he's had a pretty interesting life, too. After all, how many people can claim to have broken a classmate's nose and gotten away with it? Recently, when he got his head shaved - just for the heck of it, he said - I counted no less than six scars on his scalp alone, relics of old adventuring. I believe the number of stitches he has had to get on his head alone is about thirty.

As for my parents, you can imagine what they must have gone through every time he came to them with blood flowing freely from his scalp. My mother tells me that the first time she took him to the hospital to get stitches, she almost fainted when the doctors started stitching. After a couple of hospital visits, though, it became routine.

In fact, one afternoon, we had a guest in the house. My brother had gone cycling, and he came back with - yup, you guessed it - a bleeding head. He came in, coolly said hello to the visitor and told my dad, "Could you take me to the hospital? I think I need stitches again." It was then that the guest saw the wound. He gasped and said, "Blood!" in such a horrified tone that everyone burst out laughing. That is a measure of how used we had become to my brother's war wounds.

Having him around brings balance to my life. I'm too serious a person, and I think I need my brother around in order to become more laid back. But then I guess, he is ok to have around only in small doses. I remember when he came to stay with me last year, he drove me up the wall with his whims and fancies. I cannot forgive him or forget the day when he was unwell and AB was in town, he kicked up such a fuss for me to return home that I was in tears. Sometimes, I pity the girl (N in his case) who will marry him.

But that aside, My brother is the best ever. He got my mom and me a big bunch of flowers, special liquor chocolates, and 2 large Valentine cards. I told him it will help him score brownie points with girls if he tells them he gets his mom and sister V-Day gifts. Wouldn't he, girls? He was really excited when he heard that. He is so cute and he totally made Ma's day. She was quiet unwell after the raditation yesterday and Anu's VDay presents cheered her up.

BP had flowers and a big bunch of red balloons delivered to me. The message read, "I love you even more this year than last year on this day. Be my Valentine.. forever". How sweeeeeeeeet!! Long distance ((((huuugs)))))

There was an Earthquake in the North-East region of India (close to Indo-China border) yesterday. AB is somewhere in that area. I fretted the whole night about him. I hope he is ok!

AS has requested his company to transfer him back to Bangalore. I pray it happens soon. I hate to admit it but I miss you Bro! Goofy, who doesn't otherwise give A much importance, also seemed to be missing him and was looking for him all over the house.

Valentine *smoochies* to all

Got this from a friend. I was really touched on how these children gave their views about love: innocent, pure and sweet. How I wish grown-ups could not be as jaded as we are now..

Love from a Child's Point of View

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love!
Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
Emily - age 8

""Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down, and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

and the winner is...

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

Now don't you wish you had love like that in your life... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

When you're all alone..

When you're all alone and lonely in your midnight hour
and you find that your soul, it has been up for sale...
and your getting to think 'bout all the things that you done
and your getting to hate just about everything...
Lou Reed - Coney Island Baby

BP has been gone since Saturday for a Client Meeting to Singapore for 2 whole weeks. Waaah!! How will I survive without him? Home is sooo quiet. I never really realized how much noise he makes. Saturday night, I could hardly sleep. I woke up like 20 times, tossed and turned, and finally gave up and watched some TV. I always thought that I would appreciate a break from BP's tossing and turning (he sleeps like an eggbeater) and the sometimes loud snoring. I guess I was wrong! You would be surprised what you can get used to. I spent last night at SPs and that helped distract from the endless quiet.

Today, I got back home at quarter to nine to a dark, empty house. Cold rotis, cold sabzi and cold rajma in the kitchen. Even colder water in the taps. TV is boring, books are uninviting, the computer seems to have shut itself against me and I can't sleep. My nightmares about S are back...

The night sure seems scary with the wind blowing hard, banging your doors and windows. The roof tops making the wildest of noises. It's even scarier when you are alone in the house. I am not afraid of the dark but I am afraid of being alone.

BP called a few minutes ago. Was running out of currency, so kept the conversation short and sweet. I told him I was scared, alone and lonely. He tsked, "Never ever think of the dead again! Life is calling... where are you Silly girl?!" Indeed where am I! Stuck in the past, running away from my ghosts, chasing the impossible dreams...

I am off to sleep. Nighty Night!

The best of him

I am a huge huge Bryan Adams fan and with what excited anticipation I had been waiting for his live performance. The tickets had been bought a month in advance. There is something about Bryan Adams' voice that tugs at my heart when he renders his love songs ! I am not a giddy headed romantic but I make exception for Bryan Adams :)

We (BP, AC, RM, RT, TK, GR & wife (I keep forgetting her name) reached the venue (Palace Grounds) around 6:00 pm, but the serpentine queue at the entrance ensured that we could enter only around 7:30. We had the front section tickets … bang in front of the stage!

The winners of the Campus Rock Idols 2005 were the opening act. mmm..the less said about them the better. The sound system was probably not in full blast which made their performance look a lot worse. They were booed off in about 15 minutes.

The crowd inside had already started growing impatient having to watch the silly advertisements on the huge side screens. Suddenly around 8:00 pm, the entire Bryan Adams band jumped together onto the stage and started rocking. The crowd too broke into a hysteria with the female majority breaking out into shrieks of ‘I love you Bryan’ (moi included) and catcalls and whistles.

He started the evening with Room Service from his new album, and thereafter it was song after song of soulful numbers from his long list of chartbusters. He showcased plenty of talent to mesmerize the 50,000 strong crowd. He could easily juggle between 5 different guitars – 2 acoustics, 2 electric and a Bass guitar, as well as playing the harmonica in between.

As always, Bryan pointed out to a girl in the crowd and called her up on stage to sing Baby when you’re gone along with him. She introduced herself as Shweta from AP before breaking into a nervous rendition of the song, which was understandable considering the humungous crowd.

Someone next to me fainted. Maybe outta exhaustion, maybe out of excitement. She was carted away and I got some more elbow space. The crowds were superb. Close to 30,000 or more. And it was as if Adams was playing for the crowds to sing. Once the first notes for a song were given, the crowd started singing, and then Adams had a look like hey lemme sing... Some group choir it was!

Expectedly, the strongest cheers from the guys came for the 2 numbers- “18 Till I Die” and “Summer of ’69". Other amazing numbers, he crooned were Run to You, Cuts Like a Knife, The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me, Back to You, Best of Me, Can’t Stop this Thing we Started, Heaven, Cloud # 9, Let’s Make a Night To Remember, Straight from the Heart, and of course Please Forgive Me. Every single song a masterpiece! The guy sang for more than 2 hours non-stop.

There was one point when he was singing one of his slow songs, Everything I do, I got goose bumps listening to him. His soulful voice has that magical quality. Overall, the concert was rockinggg..!! !As usual!! Bryan Adams rocked and we rolled :P

The last song Straight From the Heart was a beauty as he asked everyone to take out their cell phones and wave them in the dark while singing along, and the scene when viewed on the huge screens was like millions of bluish fireflies swaying to the music.

Well, it ended up being a superb concert. To top it off, we stumbled upon on a great restaurant, Bangalore Bistro on the way back and had some nice salads and continental food. :-)

Mom

I've had a few things on my mind lately that have started to wear on me! As always, I am hoping that my blog will come to my rescue. A catharsis of sorts! In the last 2 years, blogging has helped me tide over quiet a few rough times. If I hadn't penned down the thoughts, anger, pain, frustrations that I was going through, I would probably have lost my sanity by now. Writing helped calm my nerves. Blog provided me a shoulder to cry on.

Ma has been in pain for some time now but she had kept it hidden from all of us. Dad coerced mom to see the doctor last week. It seemed serious enough when the doctors asked her to undergo innumerable tests, x-rays and scans but we were totally unprepared for what came next. Mom's reports showed a few black spots and the doc suggested that mom should go through a mammogram and biopsy. We braced ourselves and prayed and hoped for the best the entire weekend. Doctors confirmed our worst fears. Mom has breast cancer.

The prognosis: The cancer is in Stage III (which has a 49-56% survival rate). Mom has to have radiation treatments, everyday for the next seven weeks. Then, if the cancer is dead, no chemo and no more surgery. That's what we're all praying for.

I love my mom so much and to see her potentially having to face something like this disheartens me. However, she has such a positive attitude about it. When I asked her why she was so calm about it she said, "Well S, what is the point in worrying about something that is not in our hands." Mum hummed our favorite song, Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be; The future’s not ours to see. "I have lived a full life. I have two beautiful children who are both well settled now. I have absolutely no regrets in life." But mom what about dad? And us? We still need you. You are the rock in our lives. She smiled, “Everything will work out. I am not going anyone without a fight”. That’s my mom! Bravo!!

Mom did too much today around the house instead of resting like the doctor had advised. Tomorrow, I will force her to take it easy. She needs all her strength to fight this. And of course prayers! Please do keep my mom in your prayers. Thank you!

Dear friends, who no doubt mean well, have been forwarding all kinds of stuff about BC and survival. I don't WANT to read about breast cancer survivors and put my mom in that category. I don't WANT those stupid pink ribbons to have anything to do with my mom. I just WANT this cancer thingie to disappear. I want our lives to return back to normal.

Most of the times I don't think about it. Most of the time it's at the back of my mind. My brain refuses to process the fact that MY MOM HAS CANCER. I type it in all caps to try to make it sink in, but even that doesn't work. But sometimes, like tonight, when I remind myself again and again, "my mom has cancer, mom has breast cancer",