Chronicles of a Birthday Girl

It's birthday time! Tomorrow I will be a year older. Somewhere along the line, birthdays stopped being important. Somewhere along the line, I stopped reminding people of my impending birthday. Somewhere along the line, I became old. OLD. Many years ago, balloons gave me the cheap thrills I sought. Now nothing less than hot air balloons would do the trick.

I don't recollect a better part of the past. Yes, age is catching up on me.

A few slices of the Birthday (cake?)

The Third
My cake was shaped like a castle. Exactly like the one in the book of rhymes I had. My creative addition: my favourite red car was parked right outside. From the book:

What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and Spice and everything nice
That's what little girls are made of!

The Fifth

My birthday dress was red and white. Checks. And it had apple in front. I distinctly remember thinking: Mango is a summer fruit, and apple is a winter fruit. And my birthday is in winter, hence it should be apples on my dress. Yes, logic came early to me.

My birthday cake had five dolls. Their heads were made of biscuits, and had candles stuck on them. And their brown eyes were drawn with vanilla essence.

The Sixth
I received Readers' Digest (Richard Attenborough's) "The Living Planet" as a birthday Gift from Ma and Daddy. Glossy books you would love running your fingers on, and they smelt so fresh. I was fascinated by the picture of the volcano. I promised to myself I will see a volcano, among other things, some day.

Few Years Later

I had a crush, a first. He hand-made a card. I still have it somewhere.

The Sixteenth

I felt pretty. The dress was blue and red. Bright. The big group of people had made way to just a few close friends at home. I also felt grown up, rejected the hype around birthdays. People felt irrelevant. I felt irrelevant to people. But thankfully, this feeling was superficial. Between 10 pm and midnight that day, I received 15 phone calls, from people who mattered. To whom, I mattered.

The Eighteenth
Ma donated the defining words to history: "I give you your freedom". Used in quote-unquote a million times since, I still haven't understood the drama around hitting 18. I remember feeling responsible. Feeling adult. That's the day, I think, I lost my freedom.

The Few Fun years
Characterized by Midnight Birthday surprises (which weren't surprising at all), big get-togethers, noisy celebrations. We made plans of the big life ahead, which was ironic since figuring what to wear in the morning seemed like a big decision then. I miss that.

2005
This was one birthday despite being surrounded by close friends and family, I felt alone. I remember being worried sick. Waiting for a call that never came. Agonizing about the future. About the present. About why I couldn't manipulate the past.

Last year
Hubby forgot my birthday. And I spent the whole day believing he was playing a prank and would wish me 5 minutes before midnight. At 230 am (Midnight IST), I realized that he really forgot. Will give him grief over it for ever and a day more. Hence etched it here.

Dad wrote a touching mail stating he never realized when I grew up from a small baby to an individual with a mind of my own. I chocked up after reading the mail.

This year
Pretentious as it my sound, I gift myself: a real yet surreal alter-ego, my nemesis. A new blog! The urge to write is killing me. Here's to new beginnings..

http://trashcanofthoughts.blogspot.com/

The Sitarist

Once upon a time, I used to play the Sitar. I learned for three-four years and practiced sincerely whenever I had the time. My assiduousness evoked no admirers in The Family. I was asked politely but firmly to close the door of my room whenever I fancied riyaz. It puzzled me why The Family (who claim to be such classical music fans) should object to my rendition of the ragas.

The answer came to me when I decided to tape my riyaz one day. When I replayed the tape, I was sincerely shocked to hear a pig squealing in the background. Further investigations revealed that the ‘pig’ was actually my sitar.

Clearly it was time for me and my sitar to part. Great was the sorrow at this melancholy moment and we all wept, my parents out of sheer joy and me with serious misery. A tall skinny man from the musical instruments shop had come to take it away. Thus ended my musical career.

I still get nostalgic when I see or hear a sitar. But then I tell myself that sometimes one has to sacrifice for the greater good of the people. I still have hope. Someday I shall play my sitar with finesse and the audience will not run away.

Seistas in the office

My dearest friend, SP aka "Nuts" is in Bangalore for a Conference. I played hookie from work and spent the day doing nothing with her. Nuts and I go back a long way. We were batchmates in B School and we 'summered' together in CGI and we also ended up joining it at the end of our two years of 'bijness education'. Needless to say, whenever we catch up a big part of our conversations involve reminiscing about the happy days when she, A and I spent much late nights at work and were always amused by the most inane things. Of course, a lot of reminiscing happens around our individual and collective 'most embarrassing moments' at the workplace! Looking back, we did seem to have quite a few of those!

This particular incident dates back to early 2002. That was possibly the worst (work-wise) phase in my not-so-young life. To say that I was dying with work would be a gross understatement. If it can be said thus- I was dead and rotting with work. Those were the weeks when I slept only 12 hrs..not per day..but per week!! And life was a constant swirl of airports and hotels with me having travelled to eight different cities in a span of three weeks! The only constant companions were my cell and my discman! Life was chaotic to say the very very least and most unpleasant!

Finally the chaotic travel wound up and I was back to office straight from Hyderabad after being out for around 25 odd days! That morning was particularly bad because I had woken up at 3 am and had hardly had any sleep at all that night! By the time I got into office I was a wreck! Sleep deprived, with too much caffeine in my system and faced with a long day of work, I was not the happiest person on the planet! Even with open eyes I could see visions of beds and sheets and pillows and such like.

So, I got into office, got some work done in my near-zombie state till lunch time. Post-lunch I could barely keep my eyes open. Seeing my pathetic state the boss came up with this rather bright idea. "Why don't you go nap for an hour?" At particular moment, she seemed to have a shiny bright halo over her head!

I did not need much convincing and so I checked up if the Conference Room was booked at all and finding out that it wasn't, I headed straight to it to take a much-needed cat-nap! Looking around the room, the only sleep-worthy place I could find was under the large glass conference table! I must have been a cockroach or some such in my previous life to actually seek out a bizarre place like that! But hey, I was sleepy and my brain was not functioning at full capacity!

So, I got under the table, curled up and went straight to sleep...dreaming of a nice, moonlit beach and the soothing sound of the waves (all thanks to piped music playing in office)..when suddenly I heard someone calling out my name! Thinking it was a part of my dream, I asked that person to shut up and leave me alone! Some voices are rather persistent and they don't seem to be able to obey someone! This voice kept calling out my name.

Finally I opened my eyes and looked up........ straight into the eyes of SUPER BOSS and his SUPER BOSS and a couple of clients who had suddenly dropped in for a meeting!!! In one smooth motion I sat up.... and banged my head hard against the conference table. I don't know what hurt more- the bump that was rapidly forming on my head or the waves of mortification that were washing over me!

I began to wish I were dead..or that I could become invisible...or that this was just some nightmare that would soon go away! Alas, it was none of that! I scrambled out from under the table knowing that a huge talking-to awaited me once these clients left!

Red-faced and thoroughly embarrassed, I scrambled out from under the table apologising profusely. When I finally stopped and looked up at the entire bunch, I found all of them smiling beningly.

Super boss looked at me and said to the others, "She's been travelling like crazy, the poor kid!" That was all the bunch of very senior people needed to hear. They simultaneously launched into this whole when-we-were-young-we-also-went-through-the-grind and some five stories of sleeping off during critical meetings and such were shared, no doubt to make me feel a little less embarrassed about the whole incident! I smiled gratefully at all of them and dashed out only to be greeted by my boss and my entire team who were collapsing with laughter!

Of course, for a long time several jokes which involved terms like 'sleeping her way through' and 'under the table negotiations' etc etc were cracked at my expense! The worst one (ranked thus in terms of the severe embarrassment that it caused) was cracked by none other than the Super Boss of the Super Boss. We were having a team meeting and a rather boring colleague was droning on and on and on about some very mundane rubbish. It was post-lunch and I was feeling slightly zzz-y. I covered my mouth and yawned when I thought no one was looking. But SB of SB was! He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and said, "S, if you are sleepy, feel free to help yourself to the third floor conference room. Sandra assures me that it is not booked at all for today!

Losing it

I'm putting on weight. And Anu's wedding is to blame.

The most annoying thing about putting on weight is that everyone tells me 'Good, you need to...' which is utter rubbish. I am (or was, until a month ago... I can feel an extra couple of kilos these days) at a medically-acceptable 54 kilos.

I especially resent it when family members tell me to eat up. For me, this weight issue has long been a delicate balancing act. I've come very close to the brink of getting all psyched and disordered.

Correction (take deep breath, remember, you're anonymous...) I DID get disordered. I still cringe to think of it. But yes, I went through a phase of yoyo-ing between anorexia and bulimia. I see my cousin sis, M, walking the same path, starving herself to death. I want to scream out to her and tell her to stop this madness but somehow I do not have the courage to tell her what dieting did to me.

This dates back to my college days. I was eating so little then that it amazes me now. Back then, all the girls competed with each other. Who could eat the least? I took to the sports-field with a vengeance. Not team-sports - I couldn't stand the 'discipline'. At any rate - our goals would be different. I didn't care about scoring goals. I wanted inches off my frame. So I worked out.

Erratic eating started taking it's toll. I began waking up exhausted. I began feeling breathless. But by the time I graduated, I was... well, close to 'sexy'. That's what they called me. Perhaps not beautiful. Perhaps not skinny. But sexy. Flat-sexy. Small-sexy. Sexy... how much it mattered, back then!

I thought I was okay. But once I let up on the workouts, I found myself throwing up. And I found myself reaching for food in scary, unstoppable ways. A pattern began to set in.... I started blacking out. I frightened myself, back then. I wouldn't tell anyone. My own family didn't know (They still don't). But I needed to sort myself out.

One day I managed to finish a half-kilo of jalebis all by myself (I had bought it for the family but finished it alone.) That was when I knew I needed help. I went up to my mother and told her that I felt the compulsive need to eat. Anything in sight. She gave me a book on eating disorders and asked me to check for other corresponding symptoms. I told her, no... Just this need to eat. I told her I was fine. I lied.

Eventually, I went to the doctor. Low Immunity. Low hemoglobin. Megloblastic Anemia. I was put on the usual tonics, but I knew the problem wasn't minerals and vitamins. Besides, I had had enough. Enough of competing with the skinny girls. Enough psychosis.

I'm done with the skinny-ambitions now. But the fear remains. And so, I watch myself... all the time. I don't let myself stray from the medically-approved 52 kilos. No less, no more. And I resent it when people push me into eating more. If only they knew what hell one goes through to lose it...

Living La Vida Horlicks

TK accuses me of hubby-bashing way too much. I tell her that until my life takes an interesting turn and I give up my desk-job and turn into some adventure-monkey, the hubby will be my primary victim. So here's one more to him...

Hubby has taken to drinking Horlicks at night. Yes, Horlicks (The Great Family Nourisher of India that usually kids below the age of 10 or expecting mother's drink). And I make it for him. People who know me know I am NOT the kind who mixes health drinks for family members who are not sick, however, much they might mean to me.

It all started when I have discovered an ancient relic: a jar of Horlicks with just 3 spoons left. I needed a jar badly to paint on (Don't ask for details, I'll save that one for another rainy day on the blog when there's nothing happening). So I emptied the bottle, mixed the remaining Horlicks in milk and gave it to Hubby to drink.(He can drink a LOT). Unfortunately, the Man liked it and in the next shopping trip, a full bottle replaced the empty one. I confess I did make it again as I longed to try a cuppa myself. I hoped this chore would transition to the rightful hands soon enough like making of the bed tea had.

Last night:
He: (walking into kitchen and standing around vaguely) This Horlicks at night is really good.
Me: *Furiously rearranging photos on Picasa and emailing people* Yes? Making a cup?
He: Hmmm. *taking a sip of water*. I could make it myself if you are busy.
Me: *Blow a kiss* (Come on, that's universal language for "Thank you Sweetie, you're the best, please go ahead)
He: *Poised with water glass in mid-air, waiting*
Me: *Blow another kiss* (Universal language for "Go on now. Why are we waiting?")
He: It's cool. Finish your emailing. Actually I think later is better.

Is this his second childhood or had he never passed out of the first one?!! Should I be worrying about the fact that he drinks Horlicks or the fact that I see many years of Horlicks-making in front of me?

Life is, well, it is what it is...

Sister can you hear me now
Ringing in your ears
I'm down on the ground
My luck's been tried for years

I'm lost in the dark
And I feel like a dinosaur
Broken face and broken hands
I'm a broken man

I've hit the wall
I'm about to fall
But I'm closing in on it
I feel so weak
On a losing streak
Watch my taillights fade to black
Taillights Fade (by Buffalo Tom)

Something snapped inside me yesterday. Somewhere in the middle of this huge life of mine, I have forgotten myself. I feel lost between my work, my family, my friends. I used to be happier, before I became who I am now. I never noticed I was going through some sort of change until last night, when the past year was put into perspective. I realized with a shock that it was really me, that I had actually done all those things, that I had deliberately changed my own life.

Hopelessness and "quiet desperation" might be the order of the day, but I know better. I've known unhappiness way too closely and way too many times to not learn undying optimism. To that I say Cheers! to me. :) "Everythings' gonna be alright"... Dory to Marlin in Finding Nemo

Call it growing up or growing real, but I suddenly hate using blogging as a vent to my frustration. And as always, I hate sounding like a crib pot! There's too much happening right now. Here's to the hope that things will sort themselves out.

And they will indeed. Monsoons are here, the grass is lush green, the flowers are in bloom, the birds are chirping. My tiny garden looks fantastic (although it is too early to say if the crabgrass will rear its ugly head with all the rain). My herbs are growing. The Oleander, Colocasia and miniature Erethrena look beautiful in the front. The hydrangeas with their pink and blue flowers are a delight to watch.

Got a new breakfast table for the balcony overlooking the garden and recessed lights in the living room and study. Meeting missy moi aka PS for lunch on Monday. It's been too long. Way too long. I can barely wait..........

"Keep swimming"... Dory in Finding Nemo

Reality Check

We sit cuddling together in front of the TV, cheering for Schumi as he wins the European Grand Prix. The romance is not yet lost, I think blissfully to myself. Maybe we should go on a trip somewhere in the mountains. No friends. just us. I might even do the weekly grocery shopping alone today as a nice gesture, knowing how much he hates to shop.

Breaking my flow of thoughts, Hubby abruptly says, ‘Remember you promised to make me some tea. Can I have some now?’

I’m aghast, but pout, "You want hug or tea?’ He thinks and constructs his reply slowly, ‘Both’.

I get up to make tea for the most tactless guy I know. "Now get your lazy butt off the bed and get the bags ready to do the shopping."

These are a few of my favourite things...

Pandora totally Rocks...
I’ve been tinkering with Pandora the last couple of days, and I am hooked. For the uninitiated, Pandora is an online streaming music service that suggests additional music based off your initial suggestions and your opinion of what it plays. The operators of the service have catalogued tens of thousands of songs based off distinguishable criteria. The result is effective: in the first hour of use, I discovered several new bands I love based off one song of input.

Further, while a song is playing, you can either tell Pandora that you like the song, don't like the song, or you can add it to your favorites. It keeps track of songs you mark as favorites. With all of this information, your Pandora radio station evolves to your tastes. If you like more than one genre of music, you can add multiple radio channels for each genre. It's just a fun, cool, very likable tool (omigosh, I rhymed again—what's with me today?). Check it out and see what music Pandora helps you discover!

Konfabulator, now Yahoo! Widgets
Yahoo! widgets have completely changed the way I use my computer on a daily basis. For those of you who don't already know what a widget is, they are "little files that can do pretty much whatever you want them to. Widgets can be alarm clocks, calculators, can tell you your WiFi signal strength, will fetch the latest stock quotes for your preferred symbols, and even give your current local weather." The great thing about Yahoo widgets is that you can run as many as you want, but they don't slow down your computer; and of course the best thing is that they are completely free.

For instance, I’ve got a MiniPlayer, a compact and tiny audio player, on my desktop right now that plays music from my PC or the radio whenever I click it. I have a Day Planner that tells me what I need to do today and a Zonal Clock to know the time in different time zones around the world.

Soduku: My latest Addiction
I confess I am addicted to Soduku these days. I do them while travelling to work. I do them at home when I'm watching TV. I do them when I should be sleeping. I can't stop. It's a fixation. I've become obsessive-compulsive about them.

I just discovered Web Sudoku, where there are, seriously, billions of puzzles. In four difficulty settings. All fully printable. I do, maybe, six of these a day at work, when I have actual work I should be doing. On days when I'm bored, don't even get me started. Now I understand why this Japanese brainteaser has taken the world by storm. The only way to get over this game is probably to start the next one, Kakuro, which is supposedly more difficult than Soduku.

Another time pass has been my Rubik's cube....I have re-discovered the joy of playing with it after almost 2 decades, and trying to understand the mathematics behind solving it.

The Week-end Ends...

It’s been a terribly busy week-end albeit extended one with the Labour Day falling on Monday. But I barely realized when it flew past me and here I am once again on the threshold of a new week.

Went for a whirlwind trip to Coorg (also known as the Scotland of India) with hub and his buddies. Had the most fabulous time despite the heat and the crowds. It seemed like the whole of Bangalore had ascended on Mercara. We visited the Abbey Falls, Madhikeri Fort, Valanoor Fishing Camp, Nisargadhama, Talakaveri and the whole nine yards. We stayed at a quaint coffee estate converted into a guesthouse. Madikeri was rather uneventful except for some awesome milkshakes and spats with the local traffic cops for breaking a "NO Entry" sign, which wasn't there in the first place. :)

On the way back, we stopped at the Dubare Elephant Camp, wherein a large part of the fun is just the proximity with the tuskers and lazing in the shade. The most enticing part of this leg of the trip was to bathe the elephants. Here are some of my favourite shots.


















Met up with old buds at TGIFs last night, and noticed something very interesting -

They have this exhaustive cocktail menu. I'm not into drinking, but for a change, decided to drink; I picked something called 'PS - I love you'. The drink lived upto its name. It is like 'Love' itself:

* It comes in really tiny quantities, in tiny containers (relatively speaking).

* It is foul-smelling, in essence, but is masked with edible fragrances... they had to, or no one would buy it.

* It is over-sweet in a thick, viscous sort of way, but the sweetness is over-emphasized to mask the extreme bitterness of at least one of the ingredients.

* It is pink!

* Once you have tasted it, you are glad there's so little of it... you'd get very sick if you consumed large doses of this weird concoction.

You look at what the others are having - larger, less bitter, smoother, watered-down.. and you always, always, regret not having made better, intuitive choices.

Miss me much?

Hola!!! Spare me the glares, mutters and after-how-long looks!! I know.. I know.. Do forgive. I had work and lots of it. So much that I've actually been zoning off in the middle of conversations because I'm thinking up points for a presentation. I have been meaning to post about my brother's wedding but work kept me away. Anyways, I am here now, so here goes...

My little bro married his sweetheart on April 20. Eight years of love and commitment culminated into a lifelong bond. He and N are a great match and I am really proud of him for doing the right thing and standing by her.

The wedding was a blast! 4 days of fun, gossiping or "catching-up" as the aunts called it, halla-gulla shor sharaba and nachna gaana. There was total mayhem, pandemonium even.. Truly, there's nothing to beat a "family wedding"!!!! The entire mad and ...er.. slightly khandaan was in attendance, 3 generations in all from the funny mamu to the short-tempered nana chachu to the gossipy mausi. Met scores of relatives who I never knew existed (and who were all very knowledgeable about me and my various childhood preferences and talents ["You could eat five ice creams before I could say Peekaboo!", "You once ate 4 plates of Poori and then you had most of my halwa too!", "You sang Midhundas songs all the time !!"..erm..(what the?!)..and so on]).

The ‘ghadholi’ was on April 17th, where all the aunties, bhabies and sisters apply ‘haldi’ to the groom. This does get a bit nasty cause they literally tear the groom’s clothes off. Bro was seen running along the swimming pool section holding on to his shorts. while the bhabies were after him, trying to get it off. After this chaos, we have the sisters and bhabies filling up clay-pots with water…with this groom has to take his bath.

Mehendi lunch was on April 18th with the bride side (again the first of it’s kind. We usually have separate functions). Here we had the ‘mehendiwalies and (some)walas’ along with few ‘chudiwalas’. So all the ladies went crazy over the mehandi and bangles, while the men were busy munching on the food and deserts. Once again, no wedding function is complete without some "dance shance". We had the ‘dhol-walas’ and the whole crowd got into the spirit of things and did an impromptu ‘filmi-ishstyle govinda’ dance.

Morning of April 19th saw us decking-up for the Sangeet and Cocktails (scheduled for the evening). Cousins opened a mini beauty salon at home. Moi in my peacock blue backless Lehenga Choli was the star of the evening. There was gaana bajaana, dancing and entertainment!!! Yours truly danced to gajra re, which incidentally got a lot of applause and requests for a repeat performance!! (Pointed Look!!)

On the wedding day, we had the "pagdi" and "ghur chari" function, where all the men have turbans placed on their heads along with the groom. Just before the ‘baraat’ is about to leave for the wedding place and the groom is about to sit on the ‘horse’. The sisters braid the horse’s hair or put kajal in the groom’s eyes. And then the baraat starts walking cum dancing towards the wedding venue.

The main wedding was at Le Royal Meridien. A typical Monsoon Wedding!! The timing couldn't have been more perfect!! Just as the baraat was getting ready to leave, the clouds burst over a sizzling Bangalore!!! Leastways, everyone got into the spirit of things and we did a rain dance all the way to the reception hall!! Then we had the old formalities, Jaimala, pheras, vows et al.

N looked gorgeous in her shimmery fresh green grass lehenga. Bro said yes to the seven vows so seriously, it almost made me cry!!! Ah, who am I kidding, I did!!! It was just beeeeeeooooootiful the wedding - will scrounge for pix and upload - hey, this is still the wedding of the year so pix are valid all the way till December.

While the wedding didn’t happen strictly according to family traditions but post-wedding, the family decided to follow the rituals to the T. So, after the vidaai when N came home and the Grihapravesh rituals were completed, she was asked who she would like to sleep with. Needless to say, she almost died! Knowing about a certain black-sheep slutty uncle in the family, who is known to have had some 25 girl friends in his salad days, she thought it was some twisted little family tradition where she had to choose who she could sleep with! Luckily for her, while my family is crazy, it is not that crazy!

Actually, according to the customs, the newly married couple is not supposed to spend the first night at the guys house together. It’s called some ratri. So, it was decided much against A’s wishes that N would sleep with Nani Chachi. N looked positively freaked; this was not the kind of first night she had imagined! But ultimately M (cousin sis), N and I slept in the same room. However, N had the last laugh when the next morning a couple of her friends called to ask indecent questions about the first night and she, rather gleefully, told them she had slept with her husband’s sisters!!! The love-birds left for their honeymoon to Malvides on April 22.

Ma handled the wedding pressure very well even though she looks a tad tired today and slept most of the day. She missed her radiation this week.. something which I am not very happy about. She was really the life of the wedding. Pulling everyone together and dancing to Mujhe Buddha mil gaya. She seemed so happy and carefree. La vie - c'est vraiment bizarre! C'est difficile, très difficile, mais on survivra!

.. of pills and spells

I've been almost entirely on liquids, through yesterday. It's not just the heat. I'd been having these dark, dizzy spells. Normally, I'm not a dizzy kind of girl - I don't faint, as a rule, and definitely not simply because it is hot and I'm used to air-conditioning etc.

But I guess the heat and my own erratic eating got to me. Yesterday, I was tottering every time I tried to stand, and worse, when I lay down, my head would feel wobbly - like it were filled with melty caramel custard (btw, why is custard spelt 'tard' and not 'turd'?). The whole ceiling spun.

I kept thinking it would pass, if I just lay down still and breathed deeply.... but that wasn't happening. So, I rummaged through the medicine chest (actually, an old chocolate box) and swallowed evey single vitamin-mineral-tablet I could find. Then, I made myself a hot cuppa chai, followed by milk shake, followed by some lemonade, followed by tomato soup... And it worked! Today, the feet are steady and the head, though it still misses a skull-like solidity, is filled with something more like frozen jelly than melty custard.

The week that it was...

My blog is gathering dust, says RM. I know, I know, it's been a real long time since I've updated.... My excuse is that life happens. And who was it that said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."? Here's the low down on all that has been happening while I was planning the agenda.

Let's start with Thursday. It was a big day for me. My directorial debut film was to be screened at the Company’s Annual State of the Union Address. As the evening approached, I was all “butterflies”. I had slogged my butt off to complete the movie on time and within budget. Needless to say, the movie was a great hit. The Super Boss, who is usually stingy with his praises, said that our SS’s talents are being wasted here. Everyone may want to take her autograph now because soon she will be a rich and famous Movie Director in Bollywood and may not have time for the likes of us. Truly, it was a Kodak moment for me. I was beaming ear to ear as I hogged the limelight. Good thing, on advise of a dear friend, I got myself a new dress. I looked stunning! Obviously, the weight-loss because of all the running around helped. :-) *grin*. Modesty is not quite my strongest point:-).

I transformed into a Blondie on Friday, courtesy TK, my wannabe hairdresser friend. She conned me into allowing her to highlight my hair and give it a beautiful burgundy hue. yet again! The last time around she gave me a makeover; I had to sprout a mushroom cut for over a year. She had cut my hair so short. I never learn from the past. I deserved to be a Blondie… and the brunt of the jokes at office.

Q: Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for Blondies?
A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

Q: Why do Blondie's always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refueling.

Q: Why did the Blondie purchase an AM radio?
A: She didn't want one for nights.

Q: Did you hear about the dead Blondie in the closet?
A: She was last years hide and seek winner.

Q: Why do Blondie's like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do Blondie's have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do Blondie's drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondie's have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondie's wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Saturday saw me rushing to catch the Jet Airways flight to Ahmedabad at 4:30 am. Less said about the travel the better. Air travel is becoming as bad as traveling by a Government bus. Ahmedabad was sizzling. Temperatures had soared up to 44 degrees. I was visiting Nirma Institute of Technology for an Off-campus recruitment. 900+ students appeared for the Aptitude and Skill Assessment Test. Over the next 2 days, we screened them and finally picked up 14 Associates.

Nirma has a beautiful campus. Well for starters, there is this 5 star fully furnished guest-house with the full works: AC, plasma flat screen TV, electric kettles, comfy beds, 24 hr room service, electronic lockers and what not. Then step outside the guesthouse and you have gently undulating roads branching out into the various corners of the 300+ acre campus. Lush green verdant lawns, gorgeous buildings, neatly carved out paths and the general lavishness about the place. As this say in Guju, “aavjo”, I will be back.

On Monday, I bunked work. My body gave up on me and demanded rest. I had got back to Bangalore at 2:30 am courtesy Indian Airlines. We were made to wait at Mumbai airport for 4 hours for the connecting flight… And they say privatizing is a bad thing!!

I rested for a couple of hours and then got bored. Went out shopping with Ma. Didn't enjoy it much to start with. But a new skirt, two new tops, one kurta given to be tailored, not to mention two other cholis given for tailoring perked one up a little. That and telling BP exactly what I thought of him. (m still mad at him for even suggesting that he was making plans to go out with the boys. For heavens sake, I just got back that morning) Made me feel so much better.

Met Belly for lunch. She too had just returned... from the Melbourne Commonwealth Games. She is a superb basketball player but basketball is a team sport and she cannot possibly win the matches by herself. She says Indians were a big embarrassment at the games despite being the 4th highest in the medal’s tally. The molestation of the female volunteer by an Indian masseur incident and doping by the weight-lifting team left a bad taste and Indians were shunned during the games. What a shame!

Tuesday: I came running back home early because BPS sulkily admitted that he was going flat-hunting and even said that I could come if I wanted to. Well, of course I wanted to -- as if I'd let him choose a place all by himself! In case I didn’t mention it earlier, we are planning to buy a flat. This particular place was in DD. A cute 3 BR duplex apartment with a terrace garden. I fell in love the minute I saw it. The owner is very greedy and has quoted an astronomical amount. BP is negotiating and is hopeful of closing the deal.

On Wednesday, Ma had invited people over for dinner. She is the best cook in the whole wide world. The yummy cheese fritters cheered me up tremendously. I wore this beautiful sari, wafer-thin, light orange chiffon with tatting flowers stitched on. The flowers were made by Di for my trousseau. Needless to say, I looked gorgeous. Hubby couldn't keep his eyes (and hands off)!

Today is (was)Thursday and I am down with a nasty cold. The star of the show is a runny nose, and of course I forgot my hanky! Can't wait to get back home. Have been staying with my mum since yesterday. I really needed the spoiling. Still have the blues… I could write the saddest poem tonight..

How life changes...

A while ago,
just a while... I was with you
& now here I am
a thousand miles away,
away from what was life to me...
and yet I live...

Promises

"When we were together you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
You are my jaan
I’ll love you till I die"

You are still alive, aren’t you?

Science can be sexy!

Being a wonk (as Brits would say) or a nerd/geek is usually a bad thing. If you're too interested in science or (god forbid) you choose that as your profession, you can forget about ever being called hot or sexy. You're more likely to be that boring person in stuffy clothes and glasses that stands in a corner at party and bore people to death whenever you open your mouth to talk.

Well guess what? That stereotype is going out the window! Bono might be one of the sexiest men in rock, but the experts say Dr. Michael Manga is the sexiest man in rocks. Infact, the People magazine rated him as one of the sexiest men alive in 2005!

Dr. Michael Manga, a geophysicist of Indian origin, who is at the Department of Earth and Planetary Science at UC Berkeley has been selected the 'Sexiest Man Alive' by People magazine along with Hollywood superstars Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt along with Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon, Jake Gyllenhaal and Orlando Bloom among others.

"My first inclination, of course, was to say no, because that's not how I perceive myself," Manga, father of two boys, said. "But it is a way to let people know about science and that it is ok to be a scientist."

While idly browsing the net for any other articles on Dr. Manga, I also came across a blog by three women science journalists which categorises their blog-post about Dr. Manga under "men whose babies we want to bear!"

Thought for the day
Albert Einstein, Abdul Kalam, and now Michael Manga: Is being a celebrity scientist all in the hair?!

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall..

I have been wishing for a while that my life would slow down. Slow down enough to smell the proverbial flowers and listen to birds chirping. The wish came true! Partly!

I slowed down but the life continues to zip past me in full-speed. I ass-tobogganed down an old set of stairs last evening. I put my weight down on a step that was (1) slanted (2) green and (3) wet. I lost my balance and fell down 6 steps headfirst...but while that was happening I put my arms out because I didn’t want to break any bones. I ended up doing a number to my legs and smacked my cheek right on the door at the bottom of the stairs. I now nurse a bruise on my leg, which is phantasmagoric, horrific, and painful.

R, Pointy-Haired Boss' Boss being here does not help either. He has been keeping me on my toes since he got here on Monday and is likely to do so until he leaves which hopefully is this weekend. I am already turning blue. The man does not even give you time to breathe. We have always shared a love-hate relationship. He can be so irritating sometimes that he incites violence into a non-violent person like me.

The man wants to give a State-of-the-Union address to the employees and has tasked me to produce a movie showcasing our glorious years. This is my chance to show the world my directorial skills... Bollywood, here I come! Limping!

It Takes One Crazy Place to Glue Me Down~

RM just came to my cabin to wish me Happy 5th Anniversary! We were both hired on the same day, and went through our Boot Camp (Orientation program) at the same time. Our anniversary is actually tomorrow, but the scum is taking the day off. :)

I can't believe I've worked here 5 years already, which is such a rarity in today's world! Employee loyalty is dissipating and most of us work for short-term goals. I have a great time these last 5 years and also the company has looked after me. To date, I am still the youngest Manager in the company but oldest employee (in terms of service) in the company. Some have even christened me "Dinosaur" and off late "The wall", punning from the "Pillar-of-the-Company award" which I won last year. At lunch, everyone was pulling the Dinosaur’s leg. It has nothing to do with my size but the fact that I had been around for so long that I should be extinct by now. Maggie asked me if I was eighteen when I started. Too funny!!

5 years! Wow! Time sure flies when you are having fun. I was the sixth employee in the company, we are 1000+ strong today and still a great company to work for. Despite the obnoxious boss[es], the unthinkable tasks [sometimes]… I guess I’d borne this company for its people! Ok, lemme rephrase… for SOME of the people here! Amidst the craziness, SOME of the people here keep me sane… keep me on the ground and most importantly, keep me smiling! I'll definitely look back at these years with fond memories.

To my Partners-In-Crimes (RT, GR, NG, RM, AG) who never fail to entertain me with all sort of absurd jokes in the middle of many confusing afternoons. Thanks for the tireless jolly times and you!

To supposedly "most brilliant hacker" who’s been here 365 days less than my 1826 days. Thanks for making me question what and why am I doing again and again and again and again and again and again…

To my “where on Pluto Planet is my paycheck?!” Thanks E for accepting my late claims and helping me with my financial planning *wink*

To the Super Boss (R), who constantly kept me on my toes and molded me into a "Count Dracula" of a boss (just like him).

To ND, DP, V, RK; my team members for bearing and supporting a Count Dracula of a Manager like me. I sure drove you crazy with my incessant requests for last minute data.

To RM (bookworm like me who hates lending his books), for initiating "Beson" (Better Sona) project and introducing me to the pleasures of writing. And for playing the (some what grumpy) chauffeur and picking me from the station even at 5:00 am.

To PS for being my Mentor. Thanks for helping the gauche shy girl settle into the corporate world and learn the ropes... the diplomacy... the double speak.

To AG for bailing me out with krackjack biscuits and chips and other goodies tucked away in your desk,whenever I missed my lunch.

To RT, the baby sister I never had.. You needed to be constantly watched over and all the boys making a beeline for your desk had to be beaten up. You trust too easily girl!

To the ONLY boss (Pointy-Haired) I kinda like, maybe because so clueless… hehe! You rock!

To the most annoying Mr. Nosey whose inquisitiveness I had to bear till I moved in to my cabin.

To the rest, whom I haven’t gotten the time to tag you, but of course I do appreciate your presence…

Somehow it had slipped out my mind, even though the beautiful award sits pretty at my desk. I recently won the “Super Star” award at our Employee Day. As the name suggests, it goes to the Star Performer in the company. :) Yup! That’s me! Super Star is a coveted award and only a handful of employees have won it! I will cherish this awards, especially since it may be the last award I win. I have put down my papers and am serving my 2 months notice period. It was a very sad day for me but I had no choice. Ma needed me! May 1 is my last working day. Not sure how the workaholic moi will survive the idyllic days after that.

I finally finished reading Zadie Smith's brilliant book 'White Teeth' . It is, without doubt, one of the most well written books I've read in sometime now. It effortlessly swings from Jamaica in the beginning of the 20th century to England in the 70s to Europe during World War II to Bangladesh in the 1960s and back England in the late 1990s, criss-crossing between a Catholic, Muslim and a Jewish family. Totally riveting!

Unrelated Note to Self: Self-Preservation. Is. Needed. Don't give in to the urge. Hang in there girl!

Back to work, life and hell

The prodigal is back... from a vacation that would make most green with envy. Imagine I had Casuarina groves, blue waters of the Arabian Sea, corals, chirping crickets, milky white sands and a wonderfully desolate beach for company. Besides that there was almost no electricity, no cable, no oily food and certainly no fat screeching tourists with their runny nosed kids. Just a bunch of people like us who had come to soak the pristine beauty. What more could a gal ask for!

But it really wasn't a vacation. We were celebrating the Employee Day (an annual ritual for team bonding and recognizing the contributions of employees of our company) at Devbagh Beach Resort in Karwar Uttara Kannada region). We started from office at 9:00 PM on Friday. The bus journey was terrible. It was a good 17-hour ride, lots of stops in between, a few traffic jams... and what made it seem even longer and frustrating was the Antakshari! I tried to participate for a while...but gave up. Man, its horrible to hear a bunch of South Indians belt out Hindi numbers. My head was already bursting due to the stupid AC right above me added to the shrilly voices.

We stopped at a little hut at about seven in the morning, I guess it was somewhere near Hubli. This guy was making fresh mouth watering appams. Big foodie that I am, couldn't resist. He served it with coconut chutney, potato curry and chick pea gravy, gawwd... It was out of the world! One of the best Appams I’ve ever had. Or was I just desperate and hungry? Finished it off with a round of hot Chai. That kept me in a good mood for a while.

We reached Karwar and had to take 10-minute boat ride from the Kodibagh jetty on the backwaters of the Kali. Our motorboat skimmed the surface of the river under the Kali bridge and sped to our destination - Devbagh Beach Resort. It first appeared as a tiny speck on the horizon. A deserted, uninhabited island! Soon we could see the whole island. A Paradise Unexplored!

We made it to Devbagh at about 1 PM. I was ready to eat and crash out! Unfortunately, our gang is full of enthu cutlets who wanted to jump into the water right away. Getting baked under the hot summer sun is not my idea of fun. So I opted out and instead crashed out in our swiss-style tented cottage. AC and JK joined me. Woke up in the evening, walked up to the beach which was surprisingly empty. Heard later that most of the guys had drowned themselves in pints of beer and were nursing hangovers. Thank God for that! There were these tall pine trees all along the coast, the sands were white and water blue. It was like stepping into a beachside version of a Wodehouse-ian setting. I think Bertram Wooster would have approved...

We ran to the water. Waited in anticipation as the first wave hit. It was, don't know how to put it- 'liberating'. All of us went crazy, jumping in the water, splashing one another,throwing sand on each other, collecting shells... we were 8 year old again and it felt great. Its a different feeling when there is no one around you, watching what you do, and you can just be yourself! Act like a retard and not be bothered!

As the sun began its rapid descent down the horizon, the sky turned a firey Orange. The sunset was brilliant.

Evening turned to night. The sky was pitch black. There were a million stars. A couple of ships in the twilight. The moon came out. Tiny lights in the black ocean from some ship far away. The mighty waves hitting the shore. A flashlight hitting us every thirty seconds from a distant lighthouse. Silver waves just below the moon. Sparkling dot stars. Listening closely to the sound of the waves, they did actually seem to sound like an 'Om'. It felt like a different planet. Or I think I was a bit high. We didn't feel like going back to our rooms after dinner.

Next morning, we were scheduled for a boat ride to go 'dolphin watching'. After a quick breakfast, we were all was damn kicked about spotting dolphins, quickly hopped on to our boat and headed into the backwaters. We spotted around three dolphins in all.. two of them were pinkish, and the third was a greyish black, I reckon. I took only one pic and that too from a distant. As we went crosser, I was transfixed. I preferred just watching them intently rather than focusing through a camera.

Banana boat ride was next on the agenda. This was good fun, five of us on this long banana like tube, which was pulled full speed by a motorboat, and all of a sudden they topple us and we land thud on the water. Struggle to climb up onto the tube again, and topple again. This happens some 4-5 times... It was awesome!

We didn't do much the rest of the day, I felt like a good nap, on the hammock under the tall pine tress. Slept for a good two hours. It was so peaceful. I had such wonderful dreams, I don't remember now... but then I did. Went back to the beach again, we were quiet, it was time for us to leave. We knew it. Time had flown. It was back to the grind. Back to monotony. We took a last group snap, before we headed back to Karwar town in a ferry. And then we boarded our buses somberly and headed back to reality.

Sigghh! It was great while the dream lasted. Am back to work... Little darker and sun-burnt. Drinking tons of coffee to stay awake. Preparing for the review (aka performance) discussion with the pointy-haired boss. Replying to the gazillion mails in my in-box. Catching up on the news. A captain's knock by Rahul Dravid and an inspired bowling performance led by Anil Kumble saw India turn the tables. Congrats India!

Ending this post by wishing everyone a joyful and colorful Holi! We don’t have a holiday tomorrow. The Tambi's are as ignorant about Holi as the North Indians are about Bisebhille Bhaat. So I had to forgo a leave to celebrate the Holi. We have quiet a few guests at home.. More the merrier to color! I overheard my little nieces and nephews last night, plotting to ambush and drown S Mausi in bucketful of colors. Little devils!! Will show them! Mausi has a few tricks up her sleeve.

Layla, you've got me on my knees.....Layyyyla....

This post has been pending for a solid week now. For whatever reason, my blog post page would not load. Would not load no matter how much I begged or threatened. It wouldn’t load on the laptop at home. It wouldn’t load on the office computer. It wouldn’t load using AOL, Mozilla, or Internet Explorer. And I was trapped, unable to post, feeling like a horrible blogger. But now it works. Thank God for small mercies!

It was a hectic week, just the way the workoholic me likes it. The new development in the office are the ergonomic chairs. We have all been issued one. My "ergonomic" office chair is killing me. It's designed to force me to sit in the proper way so that my spine aligns with the stars, but I don't want to sit that way. It's not comfortable. So I rebel against the chair and sit the way I want to and my back has never hurt more. I know I could probably just give in and sit straight with both feet flat on the floor but I don't wanna. I wanna slouch and cross my legs. Stupid chair!

BP got back on Friday and I cooked him a special "home coming" candle night dinner. As Kylie Kwong says, when you cook with your heart and soul, it shows. And it did! BP loved it! In case some of you are wondering what's on the plate... Its the dessert, the final clincher. Strawberry cheesecake!

If weekdays were busy, weekends are getting even more hectic. Last weekend hubby dear’s best friends just happen to give us a surprise by dropping in. AD is the he and J is she in the post. Some weekend rambling: (I feel like using bullets today ;))

* I repeat AD is an amazing drummer. We went pub-hopping on Saturday. We visited Taika, a very eclectic club that satisfies both the need to dance and relax. It has a beautiful waterfall and river that runs through the center of the main room with floating rose petals. This main room consists of huge couches with tons of pillows. This is a great area to lay around, have a casual conversation. Then we headed off to Geoffrey's who had a live band that evening. AD played drums for us at the bar and he was just terrific. The crowd agreed and he got a standing ovation when he finished. We wound-up the night at Legends of Rock.

* I am in love with Eric Clapton, yeah again. :) Most of the numbers played that evening at Geoffrey's were Clapton's. Layla, Tears in Heaven, Cocaine, Wonderful tonight...

* J (the she) loves lot of things that I love too. We struck a wonderful chord with each other.

* BP transforms to this new and unknown person every time he is with his best buds. He turns into a schoolboy who just wants to have fun and nothing else.

*I noticed that I COULD actually get up early in the morning and make others comfortable by playing the domestic diva. Preparing the bed tea, getting the b'fast ready, squeezing fresh orange juice, cleaning up after the guests... I was the perfect hostess!

* Played poker for the first time and I am starting to like the game a lot. I lost a few times initially but I caught up in the end. Made a 100 bucks!

In the coming weekend we are celebrating our Employee Day, which is an annual event where all of us from office head-off to an over-night trip for some "bonding". This year we are going to Devbagh Beach Resort in Karwar (Ghats of Karnataka). It's gonna be so cool!

I end the post with a beautiful thought, "We have to believe. Have to have hope. Have to live our lives thinking that its actually Santa Claus who climbs down the chimney. If you stop believing in Santa Claus.....its downhill all the way!" Thanks MGA!

This is as good as it gets

"I wish I knew how to quit you."
---Jack Twist to Ernis del Mar, Brokeback Mountain

The past

Sometimes, the past haunts you and haunts you forever.
Sometimes, the past haunts you till it becomes fear.
Sometimes, it haunts you when you are watching something beautiful.
Sometimes, it haunts you when you are lonely and most vulnerable.
Sometimes, it haunts you in one of your sweetest dreams.

Am I letting my past dominate me ?
Am I letting it scare me ?

Sometimes, I feel like cutting those hands that did this to me.
Sometimes, I feel like killing him with one gun shot through his head.
Sometimes, I feel like cutting his throat and let him bleed and put some leeches on him.

Sometimes, I feel like cutting my own wrist and bleeding till death.

The Odyssey

When you make a trip alone anywhere, it’s amazing how many details you observe and how many stories you have to tell. Partly because there is no one to refute it. Well, you also have all the time to look around and imbibe in the surroundings and meet new interesting people. When you are traveling as a couple, no one really tries to strike a conversation and nor are you forced to.

I was traveling Kingfisher airlines from Vadodara to Bangalore with a stopover at Mumbai. I prayed that I wouldn’t get stuck with hassled moms with wailing babies or with open-mouthed snoring characters that needed constant supply of mints. Usually God grants me only these two varieties.

My prayers bore fruit when I saw John Abraham walk towards me. Not the real one.. a dupe! Next you might think I am only allowed to bad luck and that he walked away. Nothing like that happened. He smiled at me and said, ‘Such a shitty aircraft’ and adjusted his seat-belt and smiled again. I flashed my pearly yellows. “Hi!” He moved closer to me and cooed,” Man, these Indians are so stinky. And what a pigeonhole. I am so claustrophobic here. Yeeks!”

I lost Mr. If-I-had-my-Private-Jet. If not for his looks, he might not have even got my smile. So there! I smelt myself and finding nothing wrong, focused on my other side. The old man was looking very lost and coughing vehemently. An 18-year-old on one side and an 80 on the other. Ok that does it! I am demanding for a seat next to wailing babies!

Next, the skimpy airhostess with an even skimpier brain forgot to give me a croissant! I had left home at 5:00 am to board the plane and I was ravenous by now. I reminded the airhostess twice and she flashed a dumb smile, yes mam and then amnesia. The old man said he didn’t want the croissant and gave his share to me. I smiled at him. He looked handsome when he crinkled his nose and smiled.

He told me he was going to Mumbai to attend the first birthday of his grandson. He was originally from Assam, ran away from home at age 18, worked his way up and now ran a successful restaurant in Bangalore. Invited me to his place to sample his famous kabaabs. From then on, there was nothing stopping him. He spoke about Politics, religion, economics, politics, cricket, history and policitcs (he forgot he had covered it twice before). I yawned once, twice, multiple times in succession till I could take it no more. So I slept mid-sentence, when he was talking of politics. I stirred after an hour and he continued from where he left off, ‘Good Morning. Like I was saying…our country is going to the dogs because of these politicians…’

I’m sure I made a record for number of nods by a single person. Anyways, the old man was really sweet and while disembarking at Mumbai, he shook my hands and wished me the best, ‘I appreciate your thoughts on these subjects and you are very knowledgeable. Nobody has spoken to me for so long. Thank you. I am sure your mom will get better’.

The next leg of the journey, I had the best company- a 7-year-old kid, Maya. Same wavelength! She drew some pictures of me that I still have. We made fun of the airhostesses and played a lot of games. I won most of the times. Maya’s parting dialogue was,’ I wish you were my sister’. I told her that her mom was too young to have a daughter like me. For that she loudly proclaimed,’My mom is very old. She is 33!’ much to her mom’s embarrassment. I wish I have a daughter like her.